You asked me if I was OK and I responded as fast as I could…Yeah! I’m awesome! Everything is just perfect…but the truth is I’m not OK…I’m in pain. I just don’t want to appear weak or that my life is not better since the last time we met.
So I lie to you, and I lie to myself, most of the time, I just don’t allow the pain to go through but I just prolong the suffering and all that energy wasted on not feeling.
People always tell things like “you are not alone” but the truth is that when I find myself lost and tired and my face is cover in tears, nobody is beside me. Nobody actually cares…even those who say they care, they forget.
There’s nothing weak about me, I’m in this path…trying to figure out where I belong, I’ve changed…I’m so far away from that person you knew…there is one thing that stays the same….music is everything to me…the same way 20 years ago when we first met.
And music is my only comfort, is that fresh air that I need when I feel suffocated by stupid adult life problems.
I just….I don’t wanna be here, in this place, I fucking hate my job, I do, I truly do, but everybody is so fucking happy for me that I have to stay there even if that ends up being the last drop of the glass…and I decide finally to end it all up…because I’m tired, it’s been too much in not too much time…so for now…I just cry…I listen to my music, I cry because of all of the options, my life took the worst…and even if I have now a different way to see things, in a more spiritual way, it’s not enough, now I just know the why’s but not the how’s
I wanna leave this country, I wanna live, I don’t want to be stuck in an office every day all day, 6 days of the week, I want to do things, I wanna meet new people, I don’t even care about love and guys…I just wanna know awesome human beings and hung out with them and have great talks, and be honest and laugh, and celebrate life every fucking day.
I want to live in a place where I can actually see and enjoy nature and be with the people I want to be, no more vampires, no more envy, no more talk behind my back…
I need to take some distance …I need some perspective, I need to put my creativity in something, I hate this country, is fucking depressing, I wanna go to Sedona, I wanna go back to France, I wanna go to East Europe, I wanna do something for this planet, I wanna help, those who are really in need.
I’m here at the universe service…I just need a clearer sign cause I’m not an easy trust…I need to be push, I want some help, I want one more opportunity to change my faith so I can tell you when I’m not ok like is not that of a big deal cause it wouldn’t be…So if you have any contacts with those who decide our future please tell them, say good things about me and the bad ones too, just ask them to take me where there are more people like me and fewer people like everybody else.